"Depression"

Hi everyone...
A lot of people seem to be, as they like to say, "depressed" nowadays. It kind of seems as if no one can really be happy now. Which seems weird to me since we are entering the festive season of Christmas. However I can also in a way relate as the past few weeks have been hard. If any of my friends are reading this: I am sorry I'm being distant....blame LIFE!. But seriously a lot of people seem to be either completely stressed out, suffering from a mental or emotional breakdown or are just "depressed". I personally think you have to be a little bit careful with the word depressed since there are people that say they are "depressed" but really are just attention seekers and then there are the ones who actually suffer from depression. I keep on wondering why everyone seems to be so upset all around me when really we have so many opportunities and friends and love and ..stuff. But I wonder:

"Are so many opportunities too much? Do they put extra pressure on us to do well/better?"

Is it possible that we are put down more inside if we fail while having had opportunities? Let me explain because I feel like that sentence does not do my idea justice. In my school us (students) are provided with many opportunities to get work experience, to do volunteering or to take part in challenges etc. However what if we take some of those but they do not improve our grades? Could it then be that we feel like we are bad at everything because: "even though I get so many opportunities I still do not seem to be able to do as well as some who don't even have these opportunities?!". I hope this kind of explained it a bit. However to link this back to "depression". It could be that our self confidence just decreases due to more pressure causing us to all just feel as if we are failing at everything. I have had a rough couple of weeks and have decided to not talk about it to people because I feel like it would bother them and it is so different to the usual bubbly Leonie (or Lemonface as people like to call me ;) ). However I have noticed that if I withhold all of this information about myself to people they start to feel as if I do not take them serious as friends. This is not true. So to be able to get out of this self destructing cycle the best thing you can do is to just talk about it. Obviously not to everyone, that would be a bit weird, but talk to your friends or your parents etc. It does help.

I love the dark

I love the dark
Because all my reponsibilities fade away
I love the dark
Because i see clearer than i see during day
I love the dark
Because i can be who i am and want to be
I love the dark
Because it's the only time my thoughts run free
I love the dark
Because it keeps me silent and divine
I love the dark
Because then I know you are mine
I love the dark
Because it is just me and you
I love the dark
Because even through darkness I know you see me too.

Rejection

Ouch. It hurts. Now I dont have a lot of experience but I suppose being stood up feels the same just that the feeling doesnt last as long ( thats just my opinion by the way ). I personally believe no one deserves to be treated like this and if you are planning on not going to e.g. the cinema with them just tell him/her. The feeling of rejection I believe is one of the most powerful feelings and is a feeling that a lot of people mess with. Take the X-Factor. When they tell the contestants wether their through to the live shows or not they say so many things implying their not and then surprise them with a yes. Some see this as oh its so nice their taking him/her to the shows. In reality though they have been playing with these peoples emotions non stop and it just keeps on continuing. When has it become acceptable to do something like that? Just like when has it become acceptable to mess with someones emotions in a relationship? The feeling of rejection can really be applied to any situation. Its the feeling you get when your bullied at school, when you are stood up, when you are not seen by the person you really like and when you are dumped. There are so many more situations, too many to mention. It can be so powerful and hurtful that it drives certain people to do stupid things (and i think we all know what I mean with this). Personally I do believe sometimes you have to create this "armour" to be able to handle that, however that still doesnt make it ok. And that my friends is what some people forget. Just because the boy you bullied everyday doesnt respond anymore does also not mean you can just continue non-stop.

The stressing virus

Heyah guys. So since some of you know I am in sixth form (finally!) and enjoying the little bit of extra freedom that I have gained. I remember at the beginning me and all of my friends were so happy because we felt like we had accomplished something big (GCSE results yay) and were on the path to...well to succes I suppose. The first few weeks were amazing and we were enjoying it so much. However we are slowly starting to feel the pressure of this extra responsibility and freedom. Right now we are in about the 9th week of sixth form and people are slowly rotting away inside. More and more homework is set and exams are coming closer...even though they are in June/July. We feel like now is the time to prepare for the future and like we should know what we want to do. I had a long conversation with my friend about this and we both noticed that instead of actually working on what we had to achieve now we were only worrying about what was to happen in the future. With sixth form more comes to show than just responsibility. Of course now that we are more mature we have a different kind of life style and parties become more of a normal and everyday / every weekend thing. This means that subconciously, I believe, we have lost a part of what we used to do which was just hanging out and chat for a few hours. This means that we now feel all of this pressure on our shoulders of having to decide everything now while knowing that we are still in an economic depression and that unemployment rates are still incredibly high and feeling like we have lost a part of our childhood. However there is always a way around all of this stress that just keeps on building up inside everyone, apparently. One of my friends actually came with a very good idea: 

"you shouldnt regret the past or worry and stress about the future"

We should be happy that we have the chances that we have to improve our chances of having a good job later even during this economic depression and the sudent fees etc. We need to stick together and enjoy that little extra freedom and that extra responsibility. I believe by embracing what you have now it is a lot easier to have a good time and to enjoy the time that we are in now.

 



High romantic standards

Why hello everyone. Long time no see..read..thing. So even though i have been offline for a bit a lot has happened. Many things that have made me think about girls..in a non sexual way may i add. Many of girls out there have incredibly high hopes and standards when it comes to "love". Personally I am starting to believe less and less in it but I know there are some out there who still want mr. Darcy to show up at their door at dawn and propose. However I am starting to realize more and more that that is not going to happen. I sometimes have the wildest imagination ( non sexual again). Seeing "the one" walking towards me and telling me he loves me like mr. Rochester tells Jane. Or having the kind of love like Noah and Ally. But the more ideas i get the more I start to understand the impact these ideas and the following dissappointment have on me. I seriously watch to many films like the Notebook, Jane Eyre etc. Sometimes I seriously think we should just ban the whole genre in general. Its just incredibly depressing to me. Due to having watched so many of these films girls are just starting to dislike their partners because "he didnt build a house for me like Noah did" etc. All I can say is: guys I am so sorry you have to deal with this at times. It must be so frustrating. Women , I believe, are starting to underappreciate their partners due to those kind of films and books like fifty shades of grey.... I think we need to stop watching these films over and over again and need to be more open to what romance in the real world is like and to all thats out there. I think it would make life a lot easier for is girls and the guys in the real world we life in.

Gossip gossip gossip

Gossip...
Its something that i think we have all done during our time at school. I also think we all know there has been gossip at a time about ourselves. The funny thing with gossip is that we all hate it when its about us but L-O-V-E to be part of it. Only a small amount of people can resist the urge to quickly tell a friend something about someone. However what I wonder is why is it so appealing? We all know why gossip hurts already. Its the fact that people know or think they know something about you but you dont know what it is. But what makes gossip the main topic during sleepovers? Is it the fact that due to peer pressure we have to be "perfect" during school and so let all that annoys us out at other times. Or is it that we feel like we have to talk about others to fit in? My conclusion:
" we talk about others to feel better about ourselves"
I believe that due to social pressures we always think about how we look, what we say and who we hang out with. This however just causes many to be perfect at pointing out their own flaws. I keep thinking that we are just so jealous of so many that gossiping brings us inner joy as we forget about our own flaws and can point out others's. What we can do about it? Personally i would like to say its as easy as just accepting our flaws and stop finding joy in analyzing others's. I and many others know how it feels to be gossiped about especially if the gossip is untrue. However it is not that easy. It will take time and more than just a few people to co-operate. How long this will take? I have no bloody idea.

Falling in love with the impossible

Hey y'all. Is everyone prepared for a deep blog?? Yeah me neither so I'm gonna try to keep this simple and not too over dramatic. However since (as everyone knows) I am an over dramatic person you will find this ,hopefully, amusing. So school has started (yay) and many new people have been inhabiting the school. I personally always love the beginning of school because it is a chance to meet new people and to have a fresh start and re-invent yourself. However a new year means new drama. I sometimes literally think me and my friends should be in like a reality tv-series because I mean OMG...ok anyway. And new drama includes falling in love. However while this process can be wonderful and amazing it can also be fairly annoying. Personally I think the term "falling in love" isn't really appropriate for this kind of "liking someone" but I prefer the term falling in love so I'm sticking with it. So as you can see from the title one can fall for the impossible. This could mean liking someone that you know will never...ever like you back. It could also mean falling for someone who likes you but you know you can never be together (twilight...). It could even go as far as liking someone who is taken. Now the only thing I will tell you is that one of these 3 things happened to me. How to deal with it? No freaking clue. I'm personally still trying to work it out. However I do have one tip for y'all today. When falling for the impossible realize that it is impossible. Stop dreaming about something happening that will bring you two together because the possibility of that is like..0.1%. As harsh as this may sound it will probably either:

1. save you the pain of falling and then having to get over it.
2. help you get over him/her.
3. stop you from falling for the impossible in the future. 

I know I know.. I don't give the best advice but it is the thing that helps me. But still at times I find myself still trying to convince myself; nothing is going to happen,  let it go. 
But it's not always that easy...

Relationship desperation

Oh gosh another post about relationships. I know I know however somehow it's just something that I have not been able to stop thinking about lately. I always knew I was one of these people that wanted a boyfriend and someone who really liked me etc. however I never knew that apparently I was so desperate... Seeing my friends being in really good relationships just makes me wonder if I will have something like that. Now I am not saying things like "omg I am sooo ugly omg I am never finding a bf.." ( you know that attention seeking bullshit) I just wonder this many times. And while talking to one of my friends ( they really are the best for advice ) I noticed that indeed others don't have this feeling. It's a feeling I find hard to describe but it's a feeling I just really really wanting someone there who you can always talk to but is more than a friend and who you can kiss and love. And when I noticed that others apparently can somehow get by perfectly without missing or wanting something like this really surprised me. And this time it didn't actually help me but just confused me more:

"Why am I so desperate for a boyfriend/partner??"

And while I do want to start giving answers in my blog I just can't seem to figure this one out. And I think it will take a while until I do. Until then I am just happy to know that there are friends who surround me and can help me, tell me to stop moaning or help me find someone. I really do love them haha. 

Dancing like beyoncè

Well hello there. Here is a less serious post. I am one of those people that always wanted to be able to dance really well. I am also one of those people that just cannot. However i often try and some moves do appear but to say that they are good is an over statement. As some may guessed from a previous post I am a "youtuber" and enjoy making videos once in a blue moon. And since i definitely do enjoy to make a fool of myself in public here is a video some may enjoy hehe

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dTtVhn-oXHw

Xxxx

The ring

Having a sleepover with friends automatically means horror movie night. Me and my friend Laura have now watched 4 films and are on the 5th the ring. While watching films like episode 50 and beneath we found ourselves drifting off to other world or well...the real one. It made me wonder

 "do we try to lose ourselves in films to not have to face the reality?" 

So now while watching the ring and sitting next to eachother I realize I dont want to hide in another reality. Even though there are downs in this life the ups are much more rewarding than losing yourself in another world for 2 hours. I am happy now and the feeling of happiness and being loved is so much better than trying to hide your problems. Thank you Laura for helping me. Xx

Why you need friends

Some people often wonder: "why do I really need friends? I mean some people say that you need them because otherwise you would be lonely or would have no one to hang out with. However my opinion is in fact quite different. Yes I also always believed and still do that you do need friends to hang out with however I think the role of a friend is much bigger than that. I believe that friends are there for the bad and the good times. For example today I felt a bit sad at the beginning of the day. And at these times I feel so happy to know that I do have friends to talk to. I had the same feeling later in the day when I needed someone to tell me that everything about the GCSE results was going to be ok. And again later just to chat with someone about everything and nothing haha. Someone I just sit with and just enjoy the weather etc. sitting in the garden made me wonder:

"Do we take our friends for granted?"

Xxxx 

The conjuring

So i have already seen this absolutely fantastic fklm: The Conjuring!!! I loved it so much and i have to say going with friends who scream during horror films just makes the experience even better. However my lovely sister has not seen it. Therefore she is now in the truck of my car while im forcing her to go see it.....hihi oh imagination. I am so excited to see it again as it really is one of the best horror films so far I believe ( just like "mama" ). I do have to say is that just like in all other horror films the characters do some stuff where you just sit there and think.....really? REALLY!!!? However overall its incredibly entertaining and a must watch!!! So go for it and get ready to be scared!!

Universe in words book reviews

Hey yall. I always think that even the ones that say they do not read books still enjoy the occasional book while camping or on a train. Personally I absolutely love to read books in the holidays and on an airplane on my way to a new adventure. I also enjoy reading reviews just to see if other people enjoyed it as much as I did. And i am incredibly fortunate to have a lovely sister who does exactly that. For all people that enjoy reading not only amazing books like harry potter ;) but also great reviews. And to all those that aspire to do the same here is an amazing blog that will prepare you:

universe in words

Xoxoxoxo

GCSE results

Seeing how the GCSE results day is coming up (22nd) I thought it to be more than appropriate to talk about it. So here we go. I have now had multiple nightmares about the results day. However the worst thing about them wasn't the part where I failed all my exams it was the part where I woke up and realized I still had to get through the actual day. This has caused me to just dread it now. I mean really I am just not excited at all to see friends, teachers etc on that day....like at all. However I do remember feeling confident and in fact excited to see the results on the first day of summer. So why was I so nervous now? It made me wonder:

"did excitement turn into nervousness due to the passing of time?"

This just really made me angry and just dislike the schools for making us wait for more than 2 months for our results. I never really understood the actual point of making us wait so long! In other countries like the Netherlands they also had exams but they knew their results about 3 weeks later. Now I do have to say the exams there are not the equivalent of the GCSE's however still important. Together with many of my friends throughout the holiday our levels of nervousness had quadrupled. Then while cleaning my room I found my results for the mock GCSE exams that we did in December for which I had not prepared myself at all. Surprisingly I passed all subjects and even got the results I needed to do certain subjects at A-Level. At this moment the realization hit me. Indeed due to the passing of two months and the long wait for our results all of our self confidence in good results had decreased dramatically due to the nerves that were building up. Due to the schools or government or whoever making us wait for so long we were now all dreading an ordinary day. A day that really should just confirm that we were all doing well.

Multiple leonies

So as some people may know, I have multiple nationalities. I only have two passports ( Dutch and German ) I however also am starting to feel British since I have lived in the beautiful London for just over 3 years now. However a "cool" as it may sound it can be incredibly complicated for multiple reasons. Firstly due to not having and English passport many per often tell me that I cannot call myself British which can be hurtful at times. Also having multiple nationalities can be incredibly confusing. People often ask me: " what do you prefer London or the Netherlands?" Somehow this question is almost impossible to answer and often gives me the feeling if having two separate lives. Having to choose between a countries however often makes me feel like I don't have one country to settle into. It makes me feel like I don't really belong anywhere which is then reinforced by the whole travelling thing causing me to be in many different places or homes all the time. It always makes me wonder:

"Do we belong in one place?"

Do I have to choose between what I called home for 13 years and what I have called home for 3?? Being torn between multiple nationalities is not easy and while I call myself "European" I still want to feel a connection to one country, one home. Is it that hard to choose or is my heart telling me that I'm not ready to choose yet?? 

judged or judge?

Trying to write a song can be easy and hard. Just like life really. But finding a topic that will not only please yourself but also your audience...now that is a talent. Wandering through the streets of London I do often find some inspiration. But sitting down and just starting to write then again proves to be a challenge. Somehow the thought of people seeing me with my guitar just scares me. Aren't we all incredibly judgmental? But also at the same time aren't we all incredibly scared of being judged? Even the ones who say they don't somewhere still will feel insecure when they are all by themselves and a group (often girls) starts laughing and to look at you. It just makes me wonder:

"Are we all so scared of being judged that we become the judges?"

I knew I had to somehow find a way to be more self confident seeing how I am now slowly entering sixth form where (In England) we are now allowed to wear our own clothes, giving the bullies a new chance to pick on you. And in fact the challenge is not not to care but to not do the same to others in a moment of fear or jealousy. And while we all say that we are not the bullies and that we are not the judges when we think about we all are. Even in the tiniest of situations we somehow always seem to find something to say about someone. And then somehow I just knew what to do. I had to just change. Not because I was scared that people would not like me because of how I was now. But because when I change now and am confident in what I do now I know that no one will be able to take that away. Whilst when I do the same that I have been doing for many years now and something that I am not a 100% sure about...I know that the bullies and the judges will get to me. I am not saying we should all do this I just somehow have the confidence that for me it might work. 

XOXO

the travelling log

Hia guys. So since I said I'd reveal something about myself in every blog here's the next thing. I travel a crazy lot. And while travelling between the same two airports every 3rd weekend may sound boring it is not even that bad. However one does quickly get quite lonely when all alone in the airport. I personally always thought that I would never ever find a way to entertain myself while waiting for the gate number to appear on the screen. However I was very wrong. While travelling I have a lot of time to just think about myself for a change and get the chance to do things I want to do and a bonus...to do them my way. (gosh my dad is preparing dinner and it smells amazing! IM SO HUNGRY....anyway) I could start listing all the things that you could do but I think that travelling is a unique experience that everyone should have and use in their own way. I want you to experience being at an airport completely different than I do. Otherwise we would all be sitting in Cafe Nero drinking hot chocolate and reading harry potter (Yes I am also a Harry Potter fan ^_^ ) However travelling always made me wonder:

"Are we all just packages waiting to arrive at our destination?"

The popularity game

So yes I know I am blogging a lot but its just that I feel very comfortable with blogging. So since I have not told you guys anything about me really I am thinking I will reveal something about myself in every blog. I am a so called "Youtuber". Personally I always though that the word youtuber never really fitted what I did/do because I'm not one of those that has 100,000 subscribers. I also always thought the word "youtuber" puts you into a category of certain people. Since my self-esteem had been destroyed on several occasions I always tried to fight being put into a category. To stand out and be proud of who I was. The youtube community I have to say did not make that very easy since really, yes all youtubers try to be different, but in the end aren't they all the same? Aren't we all trying to either fit in or to be different but then are always corrected to come back? It made me wonder:

"Is life just a competition?"

We are now competing for more than just popularity. We are competing for the 5 minutes of fame, for that one spot left at Uni, for that one chance to be somebody and do something meaningful. And it has slowly changed us into these creatures willing to sacrifice everything to be on top, because that is what is expected from us. To be on top of things.  The "popularity game" is a game that we all play. It is a thing we all know and are all a part of. And while playing we have no idea what it does to others. It made me think: Should I try to fit in or be one of those people that tries to stand out and be

Unique?



Relationship status: none

So since this blog is supposed to be a way for me to order my thoughts why not get personal. I have been thinking a lot about relationships for quite a while now. So since I could not think of anything else....yes i really am a girl, I asked people for advice. Shockingly many people suggested that relationships are not about love. Realizing that I had been in the wrong (apparently) for many months I couldnt stop wondering
"Is there really no such thing as romance love and passion in relationships now a days?!" Had films like pride&predjudice and Northanger Abbey really deceived my mind?? Did I really excpect too much from a relationship, or was there still someone out there who wanted the same? (Preferably a 16 year old boy) It made me realize that that spark that I had longed for in a relationship  apparently no longer....existed?!

revisiting the old or preparing for the new?

Blogs always start with me - the blogger- introducing myself to you. But how can I really introduce myself in one sentence when there is so much to tell. Us, teenagers, often like to over exaggerate the hardship, the lies, the truth etc in life. However our truths and our lies are often wiped away by the sheer sentence: "you're in your teens that's why you are over exaggerating". But what if we weren't all the time. What if really life has changed. Not just because of the invention of the Internet but also because of the invention of high school love, fashion, bullying etc. What if really not everything is as easy as many people think it is now a days? I can't help but wonder if we are in fact over exaggerating or if our truth really is...the truth?

In these situations I always find myself looking back in time, hoping for re-do's, wishing for a start over. But is a start over really the best thing to do? Should we focus on making the best of the time we have (also known as Y.O.L.O ....) or should we focus on changing and correcting the mistakes we made in the past. Is it really a good idea to revisit the old instead of preparing for the new? Should we look back and regret or should we make sure to pay attention to not regret the future?