"Depression"

Hi everyone...
A lot of people seem to be, as they like to say, "depressed" nowadays. It kind of seems as if no one can really be happy now. Which seems weird to me since we are entering the festive season of Christmas. However I can also in a way relate as the past few weeks have been hard. If any of my friends are reading this: I am sorry I'm being distant....blame LIFE!. But seriously a lot of people seem to be either completely stressed out, suffering from a mental or emotional breakdown or are just "depressed". I personally think you have to be a little bit careful with the word depressed since there are people that say they are "depressed" but really are just attention seekers and then there are the ones who actually suffer from depression. I keep on wondering why everyone seems to be so upset all around me when really we have so many opportunities and friends and love and ..stuff. But I wonder:

"Are so many opportunities too much? Do they put extra pressure on us to do well/better?"

Is it possible that we are put down more inside if we fail while having had opportunities? Let me explain because I feel like that sentence does not do my idea justice. In my school us (students) are provided with many opportunities to get work experience, to do volunteering or to take part in challenges etc. However what if we take some of those but they do not improve our grades? Could it then be that we feel like we are bad at everything because: "even though I get so many opportunities I still do not seem to be able to do as well as some who don't even have these opportunities?!". I hope this kind of explained it a bit. However to link this back to "depression". It could be that our self confidence just decreases due to more pressure causing us to all just feel as if we are failing at everything. I have had a rough couple of weeks and have decided to not talk about it to people because I feel like it would bother them and it is so different to the usual bubbly Leonie (or Lemonface as people like to call me ;) ). However I have noticed that if I withhold all of this information about myself to people they start to feel as if I do not take them serious as friends. This is not true. So to be able to get out of this self destructing cycle the best thing you can do is to just talk about it. Obviously not to everyone, that would be a bit weird, but talk to your friends or your parents etc. It does help.

I love the dark

I love the dark
Because all my reponsibilities fade away
I love the dark
Because i see clearer than i see during day
I love the dark
Because i can be who i am and want to be
I love the dark
Because it's the only time my thoughts run free
I love the dark
Because it keeps me silent and divine
I love the dark
Because then I know you are mine
I love the dark
Because it is just me and you
I love the dark
Because even through darkness I know you see me too.

Rejection

Ouch. It hurts. Now I dont have a lot of experience but I suppose being stood up feels the same just that the feeling doesnt last as long ( thats just my opinion by the way ). I personally believe no one deserves to be treated like this and if you are planning on not going to e.g. the cinema with them just tell him/her. The feeling of rejection I believe is one of the most powerful feelings and is a feeling that a lot of people mess with. Take the X-Factor. When they tell the contestants wether their through to the live shows or not they say so many things implying their not and then surprise them with a yes. Some see this as oh its so nice their taking him/her to the shows. In reality though they have been playing with these peoples emotions non stop and it just keeps on continuing. When has it become acceptable to do something like that? Just like when has it become acceptable to mess with someones emotions in a relationship? The feeling of rejection can really be applied to any situation. Its the feeling you get when your bullied at school, when you are stood up, when you are not seen by the person you really like and when you are dumped. There are so many more situations, too many to mention. It can be so powerful and hurtful that it drives certain people to do stupid things (and i think we all know what I mean with this). Personally I do believe sometimes you have to create this "armour" to be able to handle that, however that still doesnt make it ok. And that my friends is what some people forget. Just because the boy you bullied everyday doesnt respond anymore does also not mean you can just continue non-stop.

High romantic standards

Why hello everyone. Long time no see..read..thing. So even though i have been offline for a bit a lot has happened. Many things that have made me think about girls..in a non sexual way may i add. Many of girls out there have incredibly high hopes and standards when it comes to "love". Personally I am starting to believe less and less in it but I know there are some out there who still want mr. Darcy to show up at their door at dawn and propose. However I am starting to realize more and more that that is not going to happen. I sometimes have the wildest imagination ( non sexual again). Seeing "the one" walking towards me and telling me he loves me like mr. Rochester tells Jane. Or having the kind of love like Noah and Ally. But the more ideas i get the more I start to understand the impact these ideas and the following dissappointment have on me. I seriously watch to many films like the Notebook, Jane Eyre etc. Sometimes I seriously think we should just ban the whole genre in general. Its just incredibly depressing to me. Due to having watched so many of these films girls are just starting to dislike their partners because "he didnt build a house for me like Noah did" etc. All I can say is: guys I am so sorry you have to deal with this at times. It must be so frustrating. Women , I believe, are starting to underappreciate their partners due to those kind of films and books like fifty shades of grey.... I think we need to stop watching these films over and over again and need to be more open to what romance in the real world is like and to all thats out there. I think it would make life a lot easier for is girls and the guys in the real world we life in.

Falling in love with the impossible

Hey y'all. Is everyone prepared for a deep blog?? Yeah me neither so I'm gonna try to keep this simple and not too over dramatic. However since (as everyone knows) I am an over dramatic person you will find this ,hopefully, amusing. So school has started (yay) and many new people have been inhabiting the school. I personally always love the beginning of school because it is a chance to meet new people and to have a fresh start and re-invent yourself. However a new year means new drama. I sometimes literally think me and my friends should be in like a reality tv-series because I mean OMG...ok anyway. And new drama includes falling in love. However while this process can be wonderful and amazing it can also be fairly annoying. Personally I think the term "falling in love" isn't really appropriate for this kind of "liking someone" but I prefer the term falling in love so I'm sticking with it. So as you can see from the title one can fall for the impossible. This could mean liking someone that you know will never...ever like you back. It could also mean falling for someone who likes you but you know you can never be together (twilight...). It could even go as far as liking someone who is taken. Now the only thing I will tell you is that one of these 3 things happened to me. How to deal with it? No freaking clue. I'm personally still trying to work it out. However I do have one tip for y'all today. When falling for the impossible realize that it is impossible. Stop dreaming about something happening that will bring you two together because the possibility of that is like..0.1%. As harsh as this may sound it will probably either:

1. save you the pain of falling and then having to get over it.
2. help you get over him/her.
3. stop you from falling for the impossible in the future. 

I know I know.. I don't give the best advice but it is the thing that helps me. But still at times I find myself still trying to convince myself; nothing is going to happen,  let it go. 
But it's not always that easy...

judged or judge?

Trying to write a song can be easy and hard. Just like life really. But finding a topic that will not only please yourself but also your audience...now that is a talent. Wandering through the streets of London I do often find some inspiration. But sitting down and just starting to write then again proves to be a challenge. Somehow the thought of people seeing me with my guitar just scares me. Aren't we all incredibly judgmental? But also at the same time aren't we all incredibly scared of being judged? Even the ones who say they don't somewhere still will feel insecure when they are all by themselves and a group (often girls) starts laughing and to look at you. It just makes me wonder:

"Are we all so scared of being judged that we become the judges?"

I knew I had to somehow find a way to be more self confident seeing how I am now slowly entering sixth form where (In England) we are now allowed to wear our own clothes, giving the bullies a new chance to pick on you. And in fact the challenge is not not to care but to not do the same to others in a moment of fear or jealousy. And while we all say that we are not the bullies and that we are not the judges when we think about we all are. Even in the tiniest of situations we somehow always seem to find something to say about someone. And then somehow I just knew what to do. I had to just change. Not because I was scared that people would not like me because of how I was now. But because when I change now and am confident in what I do now I know that no one will be able to take that away. Whilst when I do the same that I have been doing for many years now and something that I am not a 100% sure about...I know that the bullies and the judges will get to me. I am not saying we should all do this I just somehow have the confidence that for me it might work. 

XOXO

The popularity game

So yes I know I am blogging a lot but its just that I feel very comfortable with blogging. So since I have not told you guys anything about me really I am thinking I will reveal something about myself in every blog. I am a so called "Youtuber". Personally I always though that the word youtuber never really fitted what I did/do because I'm not one of those that has 100,000 subscribers. I also always thought the word "youtuber" puts you into a category of certain people. Since my self-esteem had been destroyed on several occasions I always tried to fight being put into a category. To stand out and be proud of who I was. The youtube community I have to say did not make that very easy since really, yes all youtubers try to be different, but in the end aren't they all the same? Aren't we all trying to either fit in or to be different but then are always corrected to come back? It made me wonder:

"Is life just a competition?"

We are now competing for more than just popularity. We are competing for the 5 minutes of fame, for that one spot left at Uni, for that one chance to be somebody and do something meaningful. And it has slowly changed us into these creatures willing to sacrifice everything to be on top, because that is what is expected from us. To be on top of things.  The "popularity game" is a game that we all play. It is a thing we all know and are all a part of. And while playing we have no idea what it does to others. It made me think: Should I try to fit in or be one of those people that tries to stand out and be

Unique?